Beyond The Clit: What Men Should Know Now

Guys, this is not a drill!

Image by Dusan Stankovic

Hi, and Happy Almost Autumn! Before I get into this, I’ve got some big news to share. The Institute of Women’s Futures is a 501c3 nonprofit that I co-founded with

Alisa Kennedy Jones

and Dr Heather Bartos (you may remember them both if you attended Heather’s Menopause Monday event last week). We are dedicated to the science of midlife women’s thriving, and our main focus is improving healthcare for all of us. We’ve created an anonymous survey to reach 500 peri/menopausal women, so that we can better understand what your healthcare needs are during this important time. Here’s a link to our anonymous survey, please take it!

Now I’ll share a surprising discovery about what’s going on with certain men in this intense political environment:

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My new GP looks a bit like Ichabod Crane. Tall and reed-thin, with a distinct gauntness to his face and long, spindly fingers. His gritty brown voice was muted by the clinic’s noisy air conditioner. I had to lean forward to hear him speak, causing him to lean back and blush. Men are sometimes intimidated by a woman who doesn’t shrink from them. 

But that’s not my problem. I was only there for my annual physical. I’m 50 now, and the Shingles vax and colonoscopy must be added to my list of referrals.

After he filled in the necessary info on his forms, Doctor Ichabod asked me a few questions about my perimenopause, and if I was working with a good OBGYN. I have several different peri specialists that I trust, but I had a question for this guy about what else besides osteoporosis I should look out for on the other side of menopause. He quickly brushed me off, and instructed me to consult my gyno.

This makes some degree of sense, as women’s health isn’t his specialty. But I was reminded, suddenly, of all the straight men who have zero understanding about how a woman’s body actually works, except (of course) that its unfathomable whims could, at any time, disrupt their plans for sex.

I was reminded, suddenly, of all the straight men who have zero understanding about how a woman’s body actually works, except (of course) that its unfathomable whims could, at any time, disrupt their plans for sex.

Sex is often their entry, so to speak. Men who want to have mutually satisfying sex with women are usually aware of the clit. But what motivates them to learn more? If they get a woman pregnant, things can get very real, very fast, but lord knows that’s not always the case. 

You know the deal: under Patriarchy women’s bodies are wildly compelling, but must be tightly managed, or we could become too powerful to control. Shame is just one vehicle by which to deliver this control. Women internalize body shame to a degree that, in some cases, literally kills us. The men in my life (and hopefully in yours!) don’t shame women, and don’t think that women should be ashamed. They vote for progressive, or at least liberal, policies that support our bodily autonomy. But do they truly understand the full extent to which full ownership of our bodies impacts everything we do? Do they ever go beyond the clit?

The men in my life (and hopefully in yours!) don’t shame women, and don’t think that women should be ashamed. They vote for progressive, or at least liberal, policies that support our bodily autonomy. But do they truly understand the full extent to which full ownership of our bodies impacts everything we do? Do they ever go beyond the clit?

Over on the other side of the political divide, there are men (and some women!) who are now openly advocating for “a return to wholesome values” that includes keeping women entirely out of the workforce and making them stay at home to raise children. They’ve already done everything possible to deny our fundamental right to an abortion, and to plan our families as we see fit. The new obsession with fertility treatments is yet another manifestation of this same pattern. Over and over, the message is clear: control, control, control. 

These brutally regressive attitudes are part of American history and the generations that came before us. But oh fuck, my Millenial and GenZ friends tell me they are also popular among some of their cohorts (this phenomenon is reflected in a recent report about the lack of support for feminism among GenZ men, in particular, compared to previous generations). 

This is some serious bullshit, and it has to change. The stakes are way too high to let this pro-Patriarchy movement grow any bigger. But maybe you know what I know: women can’t do it on our own. Some men can only be reached by other men. 

This is some serious bullshit, and it has to change. The stakes are way too high to let this pro-Patriarchy movement grow any bigger. But maybe you know what I know: women can’t do it on our own. Some men can only be reached by other men. 

A small but mighty flame of hope recently appeared in my soul, after I read about a group of young men called Men4Choice who are actively recruiting their male peers to join the fight for abortion rights. They’re based in Florida and are primarily focused on outreach in that state, because abortion laws are so restrictive there. They’re committed to 100 “community conversations” with open-minded men, the ones that are either already pro-choice or on the fence about the issue (anything else would be a huge waste of time and resources). Fun fact: Kamala’s husband, Doug Emhoff, is helping out with these efforts, and I’m betting that his newly raised profile will help with their goal. 

I hope their community discussions come with a thorough education about the physical effects of this issue, and everything surrounding it. Many of the nutjob politicians who claim to know what’s best for our bodies don’t actually understand how we work. An obvious example: the problem with a 6-week abortion ban, the kind that is now in effect in Florida, is that at 6 weeks many women don’t yet know they are pregnant. Hopefully the Men4 Choice org is including some basic education about both pregnancy and the experience of having an abortion, which is now, when done properly, more medically sound and less painful than ever before.

Many of the nutjob politicians who claim to know what’s best for our bodies don’t actually understand how we work. An obvious example: the problem with a 6-week abortion ban, the kind that is now in effect in Florida, is that at 6 weeks many women don’t yet know they are pregnant.

Men need to know and understand our shit because they vote on it! Those who are armed with this knowledge are also better prepared to tackle the ignorance of other men. The Men4Choice organization is so new that there isn’t enough statistical data to tell whether or not they’re making real progress. But holy hell, I’m rooting for them! 

You can donate to Men4Choice here, and donate to independent abortion clinics here.