"I Thrive On Neglect!"
Nope.
Hello to our readers all around the world! It’s me, Alicia Dara, Editor-In-Chief of Womancake Magazine, a source and platform for women over age 40. This year I’m focused on helping you find your Power Voice, the one you’ve been waiting for your whole life.
Paid readers get access to items like these:
How to use your Power Voice during sex. Some midlife sex tips from noted expert Dr Heather Bartos. How to perk up your face with midlife makeup products and techniques. How to kick ass and still get some sleep in my interview with The Midst Editor In Chief Amy Cuevas Schroeder, how to dress for this stage of your life in my interview with Stacy London, the gob-smacking time I got a spiritual haircut, how to make your home sparkle with my never-fails house cleaning secret, and (lord help us!), my biggest guilty pleasure of all time.
Now let’s get to today’s essay. Please leave your thoughts in the comments, I was finally able to fix the “404 error” problem, so go for it!
You are standing at the edge of a mysterious threshold. It’s weird and spooky and so dark that you can’t see your hand in front of your face. There are strange sounds and smells, and the air feels cool but charged. Chills run down your spine and your ears are ringing. All of your senses are thrumming on high alert.
But no fear. This is all supposed to happen, right here and now. You are crossing this threshold at just the right time. In truth, this might be the last possible moment that you could do it.
Take a deep breath, and feel the tension in your body softening. Let go of your anxiety and prepare yourself for the breakthrough.
Here it is: you do not thrive on neglect.
Somewhere in your past, probably in childhood, you were neglected. This is a fact that can’t be changed, so let’s not sugar-coat it: you suffered horribly in ways that you didn’t have the words for.
Yet you were not frozen or dumbstruck by those events. You kept moving forward. You figured out how to power through. You learned how to make it work.
Somewhere along the way this became a point of pride, and you started communicating it to other people: “Don’t worry about me, I thrive on neglect!”
This feels 100% true. How could it not? You pulled your shit together and made a good life for yourself. You are a self-sufficient, self-sustaining, self-caring badass. You are your own fucking hero.
But wait, stop and breathe for a minute. Look around. You are across the threshold now, standing in a new realm of clarity and insight.
This is the part where I gently but firmly suggest that, contrary to your personal mantra, you don’t actually know what thriving is.
Thriving is the opposite of what you’ve been doing all by yourself, keeping your self-sustaining fortress strong and impenetrable. Thriving is a co-creative experience, in which we nurture and care for each other in ways big and small. Genuine thriving requires genuine vulnerability, and the courage to ask other people for what you want and need. It can be painful sometimes, because others won’t always be able to deliver, and because you won’t, either. Sometimes you will fuck up royally, and you’ll have to make amends. But I assure you, that is part of the overall thriving process.
Let all of this sink in for a minute. You are growing, changing, transforming. You are letting go of a long-cherished belief that kept you feeling safe. That safety was an illusion, hopefully you can see that now. You are not safe if you aren’t able to be 100% real with others about what you need and want. You’re gonna have to go there. That’s not to say that you will suddenly become a blubbering ball of need. You’re just going to unlock some parts of yourself that have been held back, and allow them the chance to flourish.
Here are some ways to use your Power Voice in service of thriving:
If you have a hard day coming up, ask a trusted friend to be available for a call that night. Let them know you’ll need to vent or cry, or just talk about something fun and exciting to re-direct your thoughts and emotions. Be specific so they can deliver.
If you are feeling neglected by a good friend, call them and tell them you miss them. It’s OK to say this! You’re not guilt-tripping, you’re opening a door to your heart so they can come back inside. Be warm and welcoming when they do.
If you’ve been served a bad dish at a restaurant (EX: cold, scorched, dry and/or flavorless), ask the waiter to take it away and bring you something better. Life is short, and you’re paying for a valuable service, so get your money’s worth of enjoyment.
If these suggestions feel scary, don’t worry. You can start even smaller, just by telling the people that you love about the things you genuinely love and look forward to. Give them the chance to provide you with, or at least steer you to, those things. Thank them and do the same in return. Thriving will come, and it will be your new normal, and these people will be there, too. Allow yourself to feel grateful for the loving kindness that flows between you. Feel your heart softening and growing. Growth, change and transformation. What else is there?
It’s my privilege to age into invisibility. 72. I find that any outward (trivial) signs of self-neglect, whether grooming or wardrobe, lead to a lot of misconceptions as to my identity and perceived worth. This is a seachange! There’s a new contempt in the air.
I live in a city with a vast homeless population, Seattle. The general populace seems very wary of these often disturbed individuals.
I have figured out that taking the extra time to put on jewelry, makeup, skip the funky jeans, paint nails, etc. 🙄 makes a big difference in how I get treated at medical offices, and businesses.
It’s inconvenient, annoying as hell. Yet the outcome is important to survival (services) in this economy.
Self reliance can quickly segue into official neglect. Strangers can highjack the lives of elders who get judged by patriarchal standards.
Great post today! There’s a lot to unpack in this area.
Thank you.