Land Of the Striped Horses (From the Archive)

My dream travel destination is never far from my thoughts.

[AUTHOR’S NOTE: every July I start to think about vacation, and realize that it’s too late to book anything that works for my schedule and budget. But I maintain that this is my dream destination. Know someone whose done it? I’d love to interview them for Womancake!!]

No one believes me when I say this, but my dream trip is an African safari. They don’t believe me because I am the World’s Grumpiest Traveller. Don’t even go on a 2-hour road trip with me if you can’t handle my constant bitching about how uncomfortable I am, and how much of an imposition it is to be away from my creature comforts and all the “important” stuff I should be doing.

I do occasionally have to travel for work, and although it’s helpful to channel my travel anxiety into things like expert packing tips and wily wardrobe hacks, I’ve recently begun thinking of any kind of travel as “prep for Africa”. I’ve decided that from now on, each time I travel, I’m accumulating constitutional and emotional strength that will somehow fortify me for my ultimate trip. No idea when that trip will take place, but faith is the first step on the path of miracles.

Kenya was always the destination, but this fall I interviewed a woman who had just returned from safari in South Africa, which she said was elephantastic and magical. In any case, I want to go with a group of women friends, some old and some new. I’d like the experience to be semi-luxe, maybe some sort of glamping situation, with an optional hotel stay available (do they have hotels in the bush?). I’d like to travel with top-rate luggage, the metal kind that is impervious to beatings and bedbugs, and I’d like a chic, color-coordinated, quick-drying wardrobe that I can wash out in a sink if need be.

I’m gluten-free and dairy-free and I don’t like eggs or beef, so some kind of appropriate food sitch would need to be arranged. Maybe some good local chicken or bush turkey (is that a thing?), lightly dusted with local spices, with some rice and beans and a big side of greens. A massage at the end of a long day of communing with animals would be heaven. I’d like to get close enough to the animals without causing them any shpilkis, and I’d like an experienced local guide to lead us through the experience. Good lord, I’d welcome just about any African animal, but I’d love to see some leopards, elephants, giraffes (they run so funny!) and a zebra or two.

On the last night of the trip I’d love for there to be some kind of spiritual exercise that all the women could co-create and enact together. Maybe a communal dance, or writing exercise, or a big sing along where we get to learn from local musicians. Something grand but not grandiose, loving and expansive and true. Almost forgot: I’d like to fly first class. That alone might make me less grumpy!

What’s your dream destination, and what will you do when you get there?