Phebe Beiser Keeps Shining
She's a published author and keeper of the Ohio Lesbian Archives, who knows that living history is a precious resource.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Phebe is a co-founder of the extraordinary Ohio Lesbian Archives, which was featured in our Monday piece. Read it here.
Hi, Phebe, and welcome to the Womancake interview! Our theme of 2025 is “Increasing Older Women's Visibility”. So I want to ask you, what is the area or environment in which you currently feel the most visible, and where you feel the least visible?
As an elder, I like the term elder myself, I feel visible at the grocery store, because there are a lot of other older people in the daytime that don't have regular jobs. That's kind of sad, but it doesn't bother me. At least I'm noticed, you know, the pharmacy knows me very well. Yesterday, [during] my Archives shift, there were people in their 20s or 30s, volunteers, and then some friends of theirs came in, and they were showing them the archives. And we were all sitting around the table, chatting, and their conversations are a little, I don't know, more fun than conversations in my head. You know, lighter. But I felt like they respect me as a co-founder.
They respect some stories, like one young woman just bought a house, and we talked about lesbian communes. I swear that I'm going to get a tee shirt made up saying, “I survived a lesbian commune!” So they think I'm humorous, and I sometimes am, to fit in with the younger ones. I said, “You know, I lived in Dayton, Ohio for a few years in the mid 70s, and I realized that was an unintentional lesbian commune, because people kind of came and went, and we did have house chores if you stayed there for any length of time.” But the Cincinnati [house] ended up having quite a few women starting in recovery, especially alcohol recovery.
I've been invited to a few parties that [my friend] Becky has had, and I emailed her. I said, “Well, I probably won't come. I'm not feeling too social these days, but keep inviting me, because sometime I will [come]. Appreciate it, and just keep trying.”
I think you should go to as many parties as you like! Do you have any daily wellness habits or practices that are meaningful to you?
You know, here's my excuse. My partner, legally wife, Kathy, was placed in memory care by me [recently]. So things have kind of been shot to hell, and my sleep has not been very good. I think that's why I've noticed I've been tired lately. But I was a firstborn, so I think about things in terms of if what I'm doing is really meaningful to me. I used to meditate, even if it's just sitting quietly for five minutes. I mean, I'm so hard on myself, it doesn't count if it's not 20 minutes, you know, stuff like that. So I sit on the cushion. I am taking a yoga class again, but right now, on the vinyl tile floors, and with the puppy in the house, I'm afraid he would intervene unless I can get him to do doggy yoga. Meditation and writing are high on my list. And I have backslid this last few months, and I got my reasons, you know.
It happens to all of us. I hope you can find time to do those things when you can. What is your favorite guilty pleasure treat?
Ice cream, I like vanilla. Tillamook Vanilla is excellent. Lately, Drumsticks. Now, I won't say I've never had two in one night, but it's not like when I was younger, [when] I could get away with having a pint of Haagen Daz or something like that. But that's too risky now. My stomach is smaller. I think I do get filled more easily.
How does wisdom manifest through you at this stage of your life?
I think of forgiveness and patience, compassion, along those lines. It's hardest for me to extend that to myself, because I'm really hard on myself. I'm getting better about that, less hard. But I feel like I'm pretty understanding these days, because I've lived through a lot at [age] 75. I’ve said things I regret, and things like that. I'm not the most patient person, but I'm more patient, and I think that's a good thing.
I want to ask you a question about something else. It's not on my list, but it occurs to me. What I’ve observed with the elders in my life, is that the higher they climb in their elderness, the less tenderness seems to be around them, and the more they seem to need it. Do you have a relationship to tenderness, or do you have an experience like that?
Well, the first thing I think of is the writing group that Valerie has led. I've been in that group, and it's been on Zoom for quite a few years since Covid. Half the people aren't in Cincinnati any longer, so we kept with Zoom because it works. That group is so supportive and so kind, just always so responsive and supportive, so they come to mind, [and] a few friends and some acquaintances that could be deepened with time.
Well, I'll tell you. The minute I turned 65 I'm seeing my cardiologist, and the reason that's important is because that's when Medicare kicks in. So the minute I turned 65, within a week, I had a surprise open heart surgery, triple bypass. Like, is this real? So it happened really fast, [then] I got to go home afterwards. I was in cardiac rehab, [and] it was great to see my limitations, but got to go home rather than to some facility.
At that time, I did live by myself, but I got to go home because my one younger sister did help tremendously, but all the other people [from] the Thursday morning writing class were the ones that came over [with] meals. Also, I couldn't get to my mailbox. It was kind of a rural area. You had to cross the road to get to the mailbox. I wasn't allowed to go out, there was some snow on the ground and stuff, but they gave me mail. They brought me ice cream from the grocery store, picked up groceries and fed my dogs and stuff like that. So talk about support and through writing, [but] it could be through any kind of shared experience, I guess. Do a quilt together, I don't know, anything.
I’m so glad that you have that support, it’s what we all can do for each other. Phoebe, what is an aspect of your character that you have grown to love and one that you still struggle with?
Let's see, struggles probably come to mind first. I am an Aquarius. We are fixed Air signs. So, you know, being judgmental. Peace in the world would be better than non-peace in the world. I mean, can we agree on some basic things, you know? But I tend towards judgmentalness, and I notice it now.
As I recall, from childhood and teenagehood and all that adolescence, I used to be kind of shy, maybe [because of] my dysfunctional family, until I got out of that house and got to explore more. I won't say I was totally introverted, but I wasn't as extroverted as I am now, giving speeches and interviews and stuff like that. It's like, I like it, it doesn't bother me. [But] in the past, I would have felt more embarrassed, all that kind of stuff, more awkward, probably. And part of that I say because I took on the name Phoebe, which means shining one, and I took it as an affirmation.
How old were you when you took the name?
[It was in the] mid-70s like, ‘74 or ‘75. It took a while to work. I mean, nobody is aware. Everyone is a work in progress in their 20s. Our timelines may vary.
It’s a beautiful name, and it seems to have served you well. So will you share anything about your perimenopause or menopause experience, that you think would be helpful to a woman who's going through it?
I just remember being very glad, Oh, periods are gone, yay! You know, just the logistics and blood, the whole process. So I feel freer. I guess I didn't pay too much attention because, I mean, I wasn't on birth control, I wasn't being with guys and worried about getting pregnant and all that. I didn't pay as much attention as a pretty dedicated lesbian.
I had a mentor, Martha, who lived in Massachusetts for much of her life. Anyway, she fancied herself an herbalist, and you know, we trusted her, and one thing I remember was tansy tea [for cramps], and it tasted pretty awful, like dirty socks or something. But you know what? It worked in maybe a half hour, you drink it and lay down and rest, and suddenly it's gone. [She was an] amazing herbalist, like an older sister, mentor.
I'm in the middle of perimenopause right now. What’s on the other side? What can I look forward to?
More respect, because of what you've lived through and done. I bought my first house with another woman, my first serious partner, probably the love of my life. I was 40 years old when we bought it, and it was in Northside, less than a mile from Crazy Ladies bookstore. You can be more sure of yourself, a little more grounded in what you believe.
What age has brought to me is more humility. I was kind of a smart ass. But [now] I have thumb arthritis. Did you know there was such a thing as thumb arthritis? I'm right-handed, but you would be amazed how much it can get in the way and throb. So you're humble about what you can do. And the yoga I'm taking now is restorative yoga.
Good tip, thank you. Lastly, what are you most looking forward to now, at this stage in your life?
I have this body of poems, and there's someone in the writing group that knows how to do that heavy-duty Adobe stuff. She's published her own books and sold them through Amazon. I have mixed feelings about it. There are a bunch of poems, and [the writing group has] worked with me, some of them, for years. They’ve heard these poems and told me which ones they like and which ones I don't. And so I would self-publish that.
Phoebe is the author of, “The Buddha and the Bitch: Two Worlds, One Practice”, which she describes as, “…Your companion through the trials of a writer’s life.”
You can read Phebe’s amazing essay about the historic Ohio Lesbian Archives here. You can also find the archives and donate to them here.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.